The Nechoma Greisman Anthology

Section 2: WOMEN Every physical task of a mother is indeed Divine service

In Honor of the Jewish Mother

Yesterday, when I was at Tipat Chalav (Israel's national mother and child health-care network where mothers go for periodic checkups during their pregnancy, or where their babies are checked, vaccinated, etc.), the nurse asked me a question I had been expecting for some time. "What are you going to do after the birth? You might become pregnant again shortly afterwards, and then...?"

My oldest of five children was then a boy of six-and-a-half, and the youngest were twins of sixteen months. We were expecting the sixth any day, and so I understood the nurse's concern about the future (if I didn't "do" something).

At this moment in my life, I do not plan to ask for pills, or some other method of postponing my next pregnancy. You probably think that I am a woman from the Middle Ages, and that I do not understand that today there are many ways of planning a family so that the parents, and particularly the mother, do not find themselves in a difficult situation. Perhaps I am not aware that today a woman has many options, and that she does not have to sit passively and conceive at whatever rate nature dictates? A woman can decide at her convenience, and according to her understanding, when would be a suitable time to bring another child into the family! Perhaps I am one of those unfortunate Charedi women, who is forbidden to benefit from the developments of modern science which have liberated modern women from the monthly possibility of becoming pregnant at an inconvenient time?

The truth is -- I will admit this honestly -- that it is not easy for me. My husband and I came to Israel from New York a number of years ago. Our families on both sides, including grandmothers and aunts, who would have been able to help us, are now too far away. In America, there are quite a number of conveniences and services which do not exist here in Israel. Our financial situation is not great, and the various necessities for each child come to a tidy sum. A good explanation is therefore needed as to why I do not seriously consider the possibility of preventing pregnancy for a specified period of time.

I will try to explain -- although it is not easy to put such intimate and personal matters on paper. When I look around me at families in all stages of life, I see that the joy of bringing up children is the biggest contributor to happiness and satisfaction in life. I see elderly women who merit frequent visits from their children and grandchildren, and who are never alone on Shabbos, on Festivals and during the school holidays. They delight in the love and warmth of family, and they are always busy celebrating some family simchah of that son, or this daughter, etc. At the same time, I also see old women who sit for hours on the porch, without anything to occupy them, and without any visitors. Women whose only sons or daughters live far away, or whose two children are far too busy to dedicate any time to them. I see families which have been blessed with many children, showing mutual love and affection, while each child learns that one must share with others, and even make compromises and concessions. These lessons will accompany each child throughout life. And I also see mothers who worry a lot about furniture and modern decorations, about holidays and jewelry and entertainment, and..., and..., and... And therefore there is not enough money in the budget to allow for another child (and anyway there isn't any time).

Today, despite the inflation and other economic problems with which we are so familiar in Israel, I see many families who borrow large sums of money in order to buy things which, in their minds, will pay dividends later on. Whether this applies to a new apartment, stocks and shares, jewelry, or whether this applies to things which are, according to their thinking, also important even if they don't pay dividends later -- such as a video, a stereo, carpets, a new kitchen etc... I do not understand this. Is it not so that all these things give maximum pleasure when they are new? And the delight experienced in them is only temporary. Can you take them with you to the next world? I have never heard of a woman who refused to accept some new possession in her home, even though she knows that this will put financial pressure on her and her husband. "No, we'll work it out. We'll find a solution."

Why don't they understand that they will be able to buy the video in another ten years as well, but the child who could have been conceived this month will not come in ten years time. Who can promise me that if I postpone pregnancy this year, next year I can get children on order? Essentially, family planning works only one way -- preventing children. But as doctors and women who have prevented pregnancy for a time know well, one cannot always become pregnant when she wants to. After a child is born to us, is there anyone who can imagine what it would have been like had he not been born? Do we have the right to withhold life from someone whom only I and my husband can give life to? Is this any different from murder?

When I reflect on my position in life, I always come to the same conclusion. The Creator of the world understands my position and situation far better than me, far better than the nurses, and far better than my friends. If He decides that now is the right time, I promise that I will do my best to receive the blessing with grace. True, I must find solutions to the difficulties that I will encounter as a result. Perhaps I will have to hire help, or find conveniences and services, and I will have to weigh my priorities for the next few years. I have decided to give my children the best care and the best education I possibly can. And my husband is my partner in all of this. I will surmount the huge work load, and my exhaustion, and I will also allow the Master of the Universe to take care of us. "He Who gives life also gives sustenance." If there are already four billion souls whom He takes care of, He will manage to find us the few shekalim necessary to provide for another Jewish child, who is also His child.

I can expect another few difficult years ahead of me, until the time of reaping. "Those who sow in tears will reap in joy." But I also look forward to the future which is filled with truly good things which bring about true happiness -- things which cannot be bought with money, and not even with a credit card. I sleep peacefully at night, because I know that I and my husband will not have to answer the accusation on the day of Judgment, "Why did you worry about yourself first, instead of giving us the opportunity to live?"

May you have an easy time bringing up your children, and much, much nachas from your progeny.