The Nechoma Greisman Anthology
Section 2: WOMEN Every physical task of a mother is indeed Divine service
Jewish Marriage
(From a radio interview)
Good afternoon to you all and a good Erev Yom Kippur. This is Nechoma
Greisman. Today's broadcast is the third in the series sponsored by the Committee
on Taharas Hamishpacha. Yom Kippur, the day of Atonement, is the day designated
as the time for teshuvah -- returning to our Source. It's the time
to ask ourselves what have we really been doing up till now? Are we enjoying the
true happiness we have always sought? Are our children the sources of nachas
we always prayed they should be? Are our marriages the oasis of tranquillity and
peace in this troubled society, that we thought they would be?
A Jewish marriage is called kiddushin -- holiness. The Jewish
marriage that is based upon the sacred ways of G-d has greater potential for true
success. In our holy tongue, Hebrew, a man is called ish and a woman ishah.
The yud from ish and the hay from ishah are two of the
letters of G-d's name. The letters which remain in each word, an aleph and
a shin, mean fire. If there is G-dliness, holiness in the marriage, the fire
is one of warmth and closeness. If the G-dliness is missing, G-d forbid, then it
is as if the fire is uncontrolled, and it ultimately destroys the family in ugly
ways.
In Israel, even though almost everyone is Jewish, there is a lot of ignorance
about what a true Jewish marriage really is. In the times of the Beis HaMikdash,
the Holy Temple in Jerusalem, Yom Kippur was the day when the Jewish people gathered
in the Holy Temple to pray and the Kohen Gadol, the High Priest, said a special
prayer for all Israel in the Kodesh Hakodoshim, the holiest part of the
Beis HaMikdash. It is interesting to note that the Kohen Gadol could
not perform this task unless he was a married man.
Marriage, in our way of life (unlike in other religions), should not be viewed
as a concession to man's base instincts, but rather as a relationship which gives
each partner a unique status, understanding and depth of feeling. The true Jewish
way of life considers an unmarried individual as one who has not yet reached the
peak of his spiritual potential. The same is true of a couple who make a conscious
and willing decision not to bring children into the world.
The family of the past consisted of husband and wife and, of course, children.
Unfortunately, in our generation these two institutions, marriage and family, are
being threatened and challenged by many circles in our society. From within, there
are serious threats in the form of infidelity and boredom which plague so many marriages.
In addition, children rebel against those very parents who gave everything they
had to make their children happy. From without, we are threatened by the new winds
which are blowing in our society. People now question whether it is moral to bear
more than two children, whether a child deserves or needs a sibling, whether marriage
should actually be a lifetime contract, and even whether marriage should be considered
a social necessity!
These questions, and the doubts they arouse within us, are very dangerous. For
without a strong and clear answer we may find ourselves on shaky ground. But the
situation is not really hopeless. There is something that we feel can help stabilize
our families and our relationships, that can breathe new life into stale marriages,
and prevent the joy of newly-wed couples from turning sour. It can restore and maintain
the trust each spouse must have in the other, if the home is to remain a stable
and harmonious one. This something is Taharas Hamishpacha.
Taharas Hamishpacha is often translated in English as "Family Purity,"
but I still prefer to use the original Hebrew words. Taharas Hamishpacha
is a system which grants uniqueness to the private/intimate marital relationship
of Jewish couples. One special aspect of Taharas Hamishpacha is the fact
that each month contains a set time when the couple engage in intimacy followed
by a period when there are no physical relationships at all. Before the couple is
reunited, as it were, the wife immerses in a specially designated pool of water
known as a mikveh.
QUESTION: This is an extraordinary setup in our uninhibited era of freedom
and liberation. How do you explain the value of this discipline?
ANSWER: Taharas Hamishpacha is actually a way of training both partners
to view each other as whole human beings. Part of the wisdom is that for each and
every couple, no matter what their age or level of intellect, a period of time has
been prescribed in which they must learn to communicate verbally only, and must
demonstrate their concern for one another without limiting themselves to the one
universal expression for love. Taharas Hamishpacha provides a special element
of renewal each month, when husband and wife eagerly anticipate their period of
togetherness. Psychologists agree that one of the enemies which can poison even
the best of marriages is simply monotony and boredom. After the initial excitement
of the honeymoon has worn off, is there ever again a feeling of newness?Taharas
Hamishpacha has been compared to the cycle of the moon -- ever renewing
itself, as it goes through the monthly phases of growing, reaching its fullness,
and then waning, only to renew itself again. We know that women are greatly influenced
by their monthly cycles, and Taharas Hamishpacha means that the couple are
together more intimately at the time when the wife in particular is at her physical
and emotional climax. It also trains the young couple for that time of life when
physical attractions may diminish in importance. It teaches the couple how to express
their love in more than one way.
QUESTION: Sometimes people ask whether this restraint of spontaneity
causes tension and conflict in the marriage.
ANSWER: Experience has proven the contrary. Couples who have begun to practice
Taharas Hamishpacha after years of marriage, have attested to the fact that
they felt a tremendous growth as a couple. Situations and temptations of infidelity
actually decrease because the husband begins to see his partner as a very special
person.
QUESTION: And are there any other benefits?
ANSWER: There is medical evidence that women who practice Taharas Hamishpacha
and immerse monthly in the mikveh, show fewer incidences of cancer of the
reproductive organs, and fewer infections of the reproductive system. In short,
Taharas Hamishpacha seems to bring with it physical well being, as well as
emotional stability.
QUESTION: Another question we often hear in Israel is why, in our modern
society, must a woman go out of her home to the mikveh? Couldn't she
do this in her own bathtub just as well?
ANSWER: To explain this we say that the purpose of immersion in a mikveh
is not to attain physical cleanliness. That is the job of soap and water and bathtubs,
which incidentally, is prerequisite to the mikveh -- immersion
in the mikveh is always preceded by a thorough cleansing of the body. Only
after bathing does the woman immerse in the mikveh. This pool of water
has a special design, holds a special quantity of natural water, and therefore can
definitely not be replaced by a conventional bathtub.
QUESTION: Was Taharas Hamishpacha invented?
ANSWER: It may seem that all we're talking about is a new marriage teaching,
or technique, but actually the source of this way of life is in the Torah and is
designated as a chok -- a statute that we observe faithfully, although
there may be elements of it we do not fully grasp. Keeping the laws of Kashrus is
another example of something Jews observe even if not every aspect of it is well
understood. This is in contrast to other laws of the Torah which seem obvious, such
as the laws forbidding murder or robbery.
QUESTION: How come I never heard of it before, if it's so central to
Jewish observance?
ANSWER: In past generations all Jewish mothers felt that it was their privilege,
as well as their responsibility, to prepare their daughters for marriage by teaching
them this special way of living. In today's times, Jewish women have felt that by
abandoning traditional Jewish ways they would find happiness in a purely American
way of life. Unfortunately this has not proven correct, and that's part of the reason
we're seeing many of our youth expressing discontent either by turning away from
their traditional heritage completely, through intermarriage, or by joining other
religions. Happily, many are also returning full force to the ways of their great
grandparents, and becoming fully observant and uncompromising Jews once again. Today
we must be more direct and teach publicly the beautiful ways of Taharas Hamishpacha,
so that our people must not go the way the rest of society has gone. They need not
become divorce statistics.
QUESTION: So far so good, but it really sounds like we're asking a lot
from a married couple to completely change their private lives.
ANSWER: In truth it really isn't easy at first. But are we really going to
judge the value of a life-style by that measure? I think what G-d expects of us
is to be able to learn certain rules, so that in the long run it will be to our
satisfaction and to our advantage. Another very important fact is that a child conceived
within the framework of Taharas Hamishpacha is born with the greatest possible
spiritual benefits, so we really shouldn't say -- "It's too difficult
for me," when by this we are possibly denying our children, and future generations,
something extremely special and precious.
QUESTION: I see it's getting late but there is something that our listeners
might be wondering about. It's all fine for a woman to decide that she likes
this way of living. But how does she convince her husband?
ANSWER: It can be a problem if the husband really is set in his ways. I think
her options are to get him to learn more about Taharas Hamishpacha by first
making available some of the many excellent brochures, booklets and books in print
today, which discuss this topic. Both should attend classes on this vital topic
or arrange discussion groups with an orthodox Rabbi. Our committee also will be
glad to provide speakers and discussion leaders in this.I think we have time
for just one more point. Today is Erev Yom Kippur. We're hoping some of our listeners
will decide that they would like to learn more about, and observe, Taharas Hamishpacha
this new year. I think the best way to start, is to get hold of reliable information
on the subject by acquiring books and hearing lectures on this topic. Our listeners
can jot down these two numbers through which they can receive those books and pamphlets...
What I would like to emphasize once more is the fact that today is the day for rethinking
the past and planning for the future. Any woman listening to this broadcast is invited
to call ______ to get information, plan speakers on Taharas Hamishpacha for
womens' groups or get cassette tapes of this program. Let me remind our audience
that candle lighting time tonight is _____. A healthy and happy new year to all,
and an easy fast. My we merit to see the long-awaited peace of the Jewish nation
throughout the world, beginning with a true peace within each and every Jewish home. |
